Stuck

At times like these, I catch myself looking at the past...
     What things were like before...
          The "good ol' days"...

Its funny to think back where you were 4 years ago and where you are today.  How much has changed, and how you have grown.  Part of me wonders...'where has the time gone?' while the other part wishes I could stop time in its place.  At moments like right now...I catch myself writing about what I am truly feeling, and most people will never read this.  I would be surprised if more than 2 did, but I am perfectly okay with that.   But the feeling that just seems so overwhelming is I feel like I am caught between "what has been" and "what is".  I catch myself looking back at my life over the years, and even just over the 4 years I was in college.  Part of me wishes I could go back and relive those years.  There were good times, good friends, and good growth.  But the other part of me wishes to completely forget those memories.  Forget them so I wouldnt have to deal with this feeling of being stuck between the two.

     Part of me wants to go back to how things were...
     Part of me wants to leave it all behind me and keep on moving on...

So where does that leave me?  I cant simply just forget where I have been and what made me be who I am today.  What I can do is not let the past control who I am today.

     But then again...

Easier said than done.

As I try to move on from the past and focus on what is ahead of me, I find myself not being able to let somethings go.
     Maybe its not forgiving someone of something
          Maybe its certain memories I wish I could relive
              Maybe its something different all together.
                   Honestly...I don't know. 

One verse that seems to sum up my feelings is Philippians 3:14-15 from the message. 

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back."  Philippians 3:14-15 (The Message)

Truth is...I dont have it all together...but I am on my way...I am constantly working on it.  One thing I am trying to do this New Year is leave the past behind me.  In whatever ways necessary...I know it will take work but if I need to get where God wants me to be...I believe it will be a vital step to that process...one step at a time...

...steps down off soap box...